I once heard a quote and it honestly describes perfectly how motherhood feels for me:
"Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside your body." - Elizabeth Stone
I don't know if I just got a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones, or if I am just feeling extremely sentimental just because, but I cannot help but feel a little sad. I am sad that my time with having just Dylan here to be my only cuddly baby and sidekick is slowly but surely coming to a close. I have heard that your heart just expands with each child...but it's hard for me to imagine feeling as strongly for another child as I do for Dylan, even if it's my own. He has been a dream kid since conception. A dream sleeper. Never grumpy when he wakes up, just smiley and happy. He truly is so easy-going, carefree, a wonderful balance of social and independent, and is always happy. We hit the jackpot with that one. And I am kind of nervous, because for as long as I can remember, Brett and I have always said that he has set the bar so high that we are scared none of our future children will ever be able to reach it. That sounds odd but he has been the easiest and sweetest child. He is seriously my heart. I would literally die if anything happened to him, I really feel that way. I don't think I could survive if something happened to him, like my heart would be dead forever if he were to somehow leave me or something happened.
I know how cheesy that sounds, and even dramatic maybe, but it's so true and I think that's why I love that quote I have at the beginning of this post so much. I really feel like my heart is outside of my body, and I am so vulnerable to something breaking it or taking it away from me and being left lifeless. I can't explain it. And it scares me to think that my heart will belong in two little bodies soon, not just one. I don't know if you can know that feeling unless you are a mom. I remember my mom saying that to me before I was a mom "You won't understand how much I love and care for you and worry for you until you have children of your own." It's so true. I understand it so well now that it scares me.
And please don't get me wrong, we are so excited for this new chapter in our lives to come and a new baby to arrive, but there's a mourning I am feeling that knowing our little family will never be the same as it is now. For some reason, that pulls at my heart strings a little. Is that normal? Am I weird for feeling this way? We have been a family of 3 for almost 5 years now, and it's been so much fun and quite perfect. I just don't know how it will be as a family of 4, I have no idea what to expect and that terrifies me. I keep picturing this little kid running around with Dylan, and I constantly have to remind myself that that little "kid" isn't going to be a kid for a while, it's going to come as a baby. That reminder helps me not be as intimidated. Babies are easy and cute and fun right? They aren't intimidating. It has been so long since we had a baby that I honestly don't really remember what it was like. I am hoping that once the baby comes it will all just kind of come back to me. We shall see in 10 weeks.
And I also feel like I could be feeling this way too because once the baby gets here we are going to be going through a lot of different changes, so I feel like that has a lot to do with it. Dylan will be done with preschool and be a kindergartner, I will only have one semester left of school and we will most likely be moving (not out of state or anything, just moving to a different house). Just a lot of things are going to be happening this summer, and while they are super exciting things, the kindergarten one makes me so sad. I am sad that these kiddos will be 5 years apart (if you want to get technical they will be 4 years and 11 months apart). That's a long time. And while I know there will come a time in their lives that age doesn't matter really (my brother and i are 5 years apart and we are really close and great friends now...not so much in our teen years though, it was actually the opposite then), I am scared they won't be friends while they grow up because of how spread out in age they are. I hope that worry is irrelevant and somehow that won't be the case, but it scares me. But there are a lot of positives about the age difference as well. We have had (almost) 5 amazing years with Dylan. Just Dylan. And it's been perfect. And he is old enough now to totally understand what's going on and he will be so helpful when the baby is here and he's already so excited to have a baby brother. So it's really amazing to see how much he is looking forward to it. I don't know. Again, I'm basically thinking outloud.
Well, since I have been feeling this sense of emotions about my growing little man, I have been trying to make more time to spend with him and save my homework until late at night until after he's asleep. That doesn't always happen, but it's been happening more this semester than the previous 2, so I am feeling pretty dang good. I make it a point to go out and do little activities with him, take him to movies, to museums at Thanksgiving Point, to "Old McDonald's" (as he calls it) to watch him play on the play place and interact so sweetly with the other "friends" who are there (every time we are in a public place and he sees kids, young or older, he always says "Look mom! More friends are here!") to play with him on the floor at home play space ships or star wars, taking walks with him while he rides his new scooter that he can't get enough of, going to the park, taking him to get our drinks and cookies and having him order for me (he knows my exact drink...how sad is that?) (diet coke with light ice for her and sprite zero for him), taking a longer time in our bedtime routine by singing more songs than usual and cuddling longer while he plays with my hair and tells me how much he loves me and I stare at him and we keep saying our "I love you's" and our "I'll miss you's" and almost every night a tear runs down my cheek. I just have so much love for that child! I don't have the words to fully express it! You mom's know! You get it! We have just been having so much fun lately, him and I. And for some reason I fear that it's all going to end when the new baby gets here...I get teary just thinking about it. I don't want it to change. I want us to still have our same bond, our little jokes, our routines, everything.
Please tell me I am not going nuts by feeling scared about these things...I feel like I am crazy! It's so weird being so excited for a new baby and yet being so sad at the thought of how it will change things. I am
Sorry for all the rambling. I just am trying to process how my heart will expand into two children...it seems impossible but, from the mouths of friends and family, it can and does happen, and it's like you were all together in the first place. I hope that is how it will be :)
And to close...a collage from earlier today before we left on our date to the movies, which included seeing "The Good Dinosaur" and getting popcorn and candy :) We walked out the door and before we got off the porch Dylan said "Momma, let's take a picture! " Ummm can't resist that little man's requests, especially that one. I think he just wanted to show off his new haircut and style :)
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