"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it."
I have not known the true meaning of that quote until today.
You may have noticed I haven't blogged for a while. Like 2 months while. That wasn't planned, and I am sad it's been that long. I started getting on a roll again...then life happened. School happened. Math happened (Damn you whoever invented 1010!) STRESS up to my eyeballs happened. Taking way more credits than I could handle at once in a Summer semester happened. And no, I am not out of the woods yet. I am 2 weeks away from finals. Let me just tell you how excited I am about that...like so excited I would rather buzz-my-head-than-go-through-the-next-two-weeks excited. Seriously. It's going to be Hell. As if I haven't already been in a personal one for the last 9 weeks. My gym routine has suffered. My waistline has suffered. My eating habits have suffered. My mothering has suffered. My allegiance to The Bachelorette was completely non-existent. My body has suffered. My social life has suffered. My sex life has suffered. My free slash me time has suffered. My time to make meals for my family every night has suffered.
I am telling you. This semester has really thrown me for a loop in basically every way possible, and sadly, my families too. I never knew it was possible to have THIS much homework. It's endless, and I do not use that word lightly. It's so endless that each day when Dylie and I get home from school (he is up at the daycare/preschool up there with me) and we walk in the door he says "Are you doing homework now?" You know it's bad when your kid notices and knows exactly why you are pulling your computer out of your backpack. That's how much it's overtaken my life.
Well today, for just a tiny moment, I remembered what it felt like to feel normal, free, and like myself. Not like the robot I've become. I woke up and went to the gym (haven't done that in 2 months. I've worked out at home twice this summer, but going to the gym makes me push myself way harder). Burned 700 cals running and lifting. I cannot tell you how wonderful that felt. I felt like a new woman. Came home and showered, got ready, then Dylie and I went to meet some of our bestest friends at the park for a playdate.
Karlie and her family moved to Arizona last month, and we were devastated. They were our buddies we would hang with at least once a week, usually more, for the last 3 years. Karlie and I are super close, and are basically the same person in two separate bodies. We have the same humor, and can talk for days without stopping or without not having anything to discuss. She is that type of girl, and you don't find those very often. And her kids, Bentley and Chloe, are 6 months older than Dylie. They have been friends since they can remember. We started hanging out since they were under a year old. It's been hard on Dylan not seeing his best friends each week, and since he doesn't quite get the concept of "moving," it's even harder to hear him asking to play with "Benny" almost every day. So seeing them today was the biggest TREAT ever! We were together for 4 glorious hours, and there was non-stop laughter and hugging and playing and soaking up the friendship we all have.
Now it may sound like my day was just you average day to some of you. It used to be for me, so I get it. But you see, that's what was so special about it. For the first time in 9 weeks, I didn't think about my homework or stress about it. For the first time in 9 weeks, I didn't say to Dylan "Mommy's gotta do homework now...what show do you wanna watch?" For the first time in 9 weeks I didn't think about the two miscarriages we have suffered through in the last 5 months, one being just a few weeks ago. I didn't wake up and immediately start doing math. I didn't rush home from whatever I was out doing so I could get to my homework.
I was me. I was Kate. I was a mom. I was a wife. I was patient. I wasn't stressed. I was alive. I laughed with one of my best friends, and not just laughed, but cried laughing several times. I made love. I worked out. I kissed bruises. I sang songs with my son in the car. I read a story and cuddled with him before bedtime. I read my scriptures. I enjoyed my day. I didn't put my homework above what is most precious. I became familiarized again with who I am, and how good my life was before school came into the picture and corrupted my easy-street day-to-day life. I was smiling. I was happy. I was ME.
I wish I could just fold up today and put it in a tiny box to open whenever I am feeling nervous the weight of school on my shoulders from homework, school and tests. I wish I could open it and see the person who I was today and remind myself that she is still there, deep under the stress and the emotional roller coaster of emotions she is feeling on a daily-basis, she is still there. I am still here. My carefree bubbly happy self is still here, and I hadn't even realized I had lost her until this evening.
I am grateful for today. I am grateful for the answer to so many tear-filled prayers, and I am grateful to a friend who truly helped me feel myself again. I am grateful to a husband who is my absolute rock, and does anything and everything to put me first and to support me, even when he takes a big brunt of the endless stress I feel. I am grateful for a son, who, even after having to live through a lot of mood swings that have been caused by my intense school schedule and it's affects and have had nothing to do with him whatsoever, still wantse to hold him, play with him, cuddle with him, never leave him, is the most polite and sweet boy and calls me his best friend. He shows me what unconditional love really means. And I am grateful for friends, especially ones who go out of their way to make you feel special and loved. More on that in another post, probably my next one.
Today was a gift. I needed today more than I ever could've known. Taking a day to just be me, and to feel like me put so many things back into perspective that were so out of focus. School is important, but I am more important than the homework. My son is more important than the homework. My husband and my friends and being a mother is more important, and I now realize that it's okay to choose sanity and wellbeing over deadlines and homework once in a while if it means you are going to be happy with yourself in the end.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Danke schön, Ferris. Danke schön.