one...

it's here. the day i have been dreading since a year ago to the day. my little man is one today.

i realized that i never posted my birth story on here. it was very personal at the time, and i wanted to keep it that way. not because there was anything different or unique about my experience, but because it was the most sacred experience i have ever had and i wanted to keep it between me, my husband, my little one, and God. 

now, a year later, i feel that its appropriate to share my experience about the event that not only changed our lives, but it changed my heart. it changed my personality, it changed my view of things, it changed my every way of thinking. all for the better. how this little person who i brought into this world did all that, i will never understand, but i owe him more then he will ever know. i am going to share with you the most amazing experience i have ever been through, raw and unedited and exactly how it was written in my journal. excuse any typo's or weird ways of wording things. i wrote this 4 days after having Dylan, and was low on sleep.

here is my story.

I am writing this on Tuesday, June 21st. Dylan was born 4 days ago and it has been the absolute best 4 days of my life. This is the story from my point of view and all the details that went along with getting Dylan here.  I had no idea how amazing this day was going to be for me, it was the most amazing day of my life. It was perfect.

Dylan was set to get induced on June 16, a Thursday. I was really happy that that was going to be his birthday because that is the third anniversary of Brett and mine's first kiss. Perfect:) The night before, Brett and I went on a date to Cafe Sabore for our last date as not being parents. It was a really good time, and we had fun. It was weird knowing that our baby was going to be here the next day, and that everything was going to change. But we were so excited so we couldn't wait for the next day to come. That night I packed for the hospital and Brett and I just talked about the next day, the feelings we were feeling, and how excited we were getting. I remember not being nervous at all until the morning arrived, then I was a tad nervous for a little bit. But I was really calm and peaceful and trying to remember everything that I would need for  the hospital. We went to bed at around 1am and we were set to be induced at 7:15am.

I woke up the next morning at about 5am, not being able to force myself back to sleep anymore after waking up every half hour the entire night. I was SO excited that the day was here! I had no idea what to expect, but that is what made it so exciting. I got ready, woke Brett up and we packed up the car. Before we headed over to the hospital, I had Brett give me a blessing. It was an amazing blessing, telling me that the baby and I would both be healthy, that i would be strengthened with the spirit, that my dad was aware of what was happening that day and that he was going to be with me, and that I needed to listen to the promptings of the spirit as I was going to have to make a lot of choices that day. I remember being a little nervous after the blessing, almost feeling more nervous than I did before the blessing was given. Brett said I always read into blessings way more than I need to, and after he said that I thought about it and I agreed. I knew everything was going to turn out the way it was supposed to.

We got to the hospital, checked in, and they took me to my room and it had a great view of the beautiful mountains and it had a lot of space. The sky was blue and I was so happy to finally be there. I changed into my gown, sat on the bed, and got my IV. It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would; not looking always helps not make the pain as bad. The nurse then gave me a pill that she stuck in my cervix to soften it and to help dialate it (after checking me and I was still a zero). I ended having 4 of those pills stuck in me, and they were put in 3 hours apart. So while I had the pill in me softening me up, Brett and I played games on his Xbox, talked, laughed, watched movies, and relaxed. I was in no pain at this time, I felt completely normal. I had Brett get me 10 popsicles throughout the day, because I wasn't allowed to eat. My doctor came in at 6pm and checked me, and I was still a zero. Awesome. So he said I could eat a half a sandwich (thank goodness) and that I needed to start on the Pitocin to start me dilating because I wasn't doing it on my own. He then broke my water (OUCH) and had the last pill put into my cervix.  So three hours later, at 9pm, I was put on Pitocin. That is when the show started. 

As soon as I was put on it, I started having very hard, painful contractions almost instantly. Nobody can prepare you for how painful those are, and how painful they can get. I was having them every 3 minutes or so, and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. Brett was amazing, he sat by my bed from about 6pm on, in an uncomfortable chair, and held my hand. Once the contractions started, he was so good and held me each time, and encouraged me each time and telling me how amazing I was that I was doing this for our son. I could not have asked for a better support system. He was so hands-on throughout the entire thing, and especially in the times that were the most painful.

By the time 11:15pm rolled around, my contractions were about 2 minutes apart, and super strong. I was crying at this point, and literally feeling like a gun shot to the head would be less painful than the pain I was feeling. I told the nurse I needed the epidural ASAP ( She checked me and I was at a 5. I was so proud of myself for getting to this point. I had told Brett a few days before that I wanted to go through all the pain that I could stand before I got the epidural, because I didn't want to be able to feel or focus on the pain of getting it. I waited for 4 hours to get it with long, hard contractions, and it was worth it.) and it took the anesthesiologist a good half hour to get there. Once he was there, I remember him explaining the procedure to me, and signing a waiver through all the pain. I was in so much pain at that point he could have told me he was going to stick me with a knife to heal the pain and I would've complied. So once I signed, I said up straight, facing the window, my feet dangling and having Brett in front of me to support me. Once I was up, he was explaining to me as he was going along what he was doing, and honestly, I don't even remember feeling anything but the be sting from the numbing he gave me. After that point, all I felt was my contractions, and one shot of pain through my leg that he told me would come. I was holding onto Brett's shirt so hard and burying my head into his chest because I was dying from the pain of the contractions. I had a contraction while I was getting the epidural so it made it easy not to focus on it. I had the epidural at exactly midnight.

Once that epidural was in, I was in heaven. I was in no pain whatsoever and I could finally breathe again. It was like the pain literally had been lifted. It was amazing. I wanted to try and get some sleep because I knew that the next day would be super hard and tiring, and I was already exhausted from the contractions. So my nurse turned the lights off, Brett went to take a shower, and I tried to fall asleep. I didn't, I couldn't. I was too excited and scared. I kept fading in and out of sleep, but I never actually got there. I had been awake for 18 straight hours at this point. After a couple of hours of doing this, my nurse wanted to check me again because I was starting to feel the contractions again, but just the pressure of them, not the pain. I also told her I was feeling the urge to have a bowel movement, and that I needed to go potty really bad. As I said that, it occured to me that that was the urge you have to push once the baby is ready to come. Right at the same time I realized that, she was done checking me, and she said I was at a 10! Already! It only took 3 hours to go from a 5 (at the time of the epidural) to a 10! Amazing! She said I had the option to start pushing right now, or to wait an hour or so because usually with first-time moms they encourage them to wait because pushing takes a lot longer with them. I wanted to push. So, we called our photographer to come back, Brett helped put my legs in stirrups and I started to push.

  I pushed for a good 1 1/2 hours before the nurse called my Doctor to come in. I was ready! I was so nervous, but at the same time, I couldn't take the urge to keep from pushing anymore! I kept telling the nurse I needed to go potty, and her and Brett kept telling me it was almost over. I have never felt the urge to to potty that strongly before in my life! Once the doctor came in, there was more pushing, for about 15 minutes. Then he said he could see the head, and I kept pushing. Brett was holding me and encouraging me and holding my leg. He said that he could see the head. Then, I heard the most beautiful sound I had ever heard in my life...my baby's cry. It was such a gorgeous sound, I was in awe of it. And the doctor held Dylan up and showed him to me, I was so overcome with emotion and happiness I just started bawling.

  I will never be able to describe the feeling I felt in that moment, and in the few moments after that. They put him on my stomach and I felt a happiness that could only be described by a mother. He was here! Finally! He was here, he was healthy, and he was mine. I instantly felt so much love for that baby and it was an incredible feeling. Brett cut the cord, then they took him to get him cleaned off. Brett went over to watch and hold his hand, and as I watched from my bed, the doctor was stitching me up. It took a lot longer than I thought it would, but it didn't matter. I just watched my baby. Then Brett brought him over to me once he was cleaned and weighed, and I held my sweet Dylan for the first time. I could not get over the happiness and joy I felt looking at him. It was like looking at someone I had known all along but hadn't seen for a long time. I didn't know how I had lived without him in my life. It was amazing. Brett and I just looked at him and admired how amazing he was. His eyes were wide open and very blue, and he had my nose. He was adorable. He was absolutely perfect. I called my mom and let her know she was a grandma, and it was such an emotional phone call. I felt my dad in the room, I had felt him all along, but I felt him really strongly at that point. It was incredible. 

Brett and I then were left alone in my room to be alone with our baby for an hour. Our first family time together, just the 3 of us. It was amazing. We just kept kissing him and touching him and loving him. He was pefect. It was amazing. We just sat there and soaked up each moment, each breathe of our new son. Once our hour was over, they wheeled me up to our recovery room, where we were able to relax and be with Dylan. I held him the entire time we were there (except when family came) and when I coudln't hold him, I missed him terribly. We decided to have the nursery take him the first night, since I literally hadn't slept in 40 hours. I was absolutely exhausted. The next day was full of my mom, breastfeeding classes, Dylan, me being super sore and trying to walk to get my blood circulating and Brett and I cuddling on my hospital bed. Then we took him home, and the start of real life began, and that was even more amazing.

 I already wish I could relive that experience over again. It was the most perfect experience in the world. I am already sad that Dylan is 4 days old. I cannot believe how amazing it is to have him here! I cannot remember how life was without him here with us. Things are so amazing. I don't mind being up for 3 hours in the night with him as I feed him and put him to sleep. I love having him in our bed with us. I love the way he looks around and doesn't make a peep. I love how amazing he is and what a wonderful spirit he has brought into our home. I love how much closer Brett and I have gotten because of it, its amazing! Every aspect of him and his existence is incredible. I love him more than anything, he is my angel, and I would go through everything I went through to get him here all over again. He was worth every second. I have noticed that I have become a lot more patient with him. Before I couldn't stand little kids crying, but Dylan's cry, it breaks my heart. Everytime he cries I tear up because I don't want him to be sad or in pain. He makes me want to be better, accomplish more, and give him everything he deserves. I love him so much. It's brought out a totally different side of me I had no idea that I had, and it's amazing how involved Brett is with it. He wakes up with me if I ask him to, he helps me feed and pump, he changes diapers and takes him when I am busy. He is an INCREDIBLE dad, an even better one that I thought he would be and that was hard to beat in my mind. He is amazing with him. 

                                                       (to see our entire birth story, click here)

looking back on these photos, and re-reading my experience having Dylan, i'm overcome with such emotion. it's an emotion i didn't expect to feel today. i feel sad. i am sad this experience is already a year away from me. i am sad that with each minute, Dylan gets older and bigger. it doesn't seem possible that all of this happened an entire year ago. i remember all of it like it was yesterday. every detail. every feeling, every emotion, every thought. if i could go back and re-live it, i would. it was absolutely perfect.

i remember bringing him home from the hospital, Brett went to bed but i couldn't bear the thought of going to sleep. all i wanted to do was rock my baby in my chair and look at him. and i did. the entire night. as exhausted as i was and as much as i needed to sleep, looking at my new baby was all the rest i craved. i remember holding him in my arms, looking up at God and thanking him over and over for this precious gift in my hands, i remember feeling like i was not worthy to have such an amazing baby, all to myself. it brought me to tears, how much i loved him, and how much i wanted to protect him from the world. i remember wondering how such a little person, someone who i had just met 2 days before, had changed my life more than i ever knew to be possible, and had made my heart grow so there was a piece of him in it. 

i love my little man more then words could ever express. he has made me become the best version of myself. i never knew a little guy who loves to crawl, drool, drink out of a bottle, suck on my fingers and reach for me could have my heart so tightly woven around his little fingers. he has my heart, and he knows it.

Dylan, thank you for giving us the best year of our lives, and for teaching us so many things that we wouldn't be able to learn from anybody else. you crack us up every 2 minutes, your smile melts our hearts, your laugh is infectious, and your personality is the sweetest part about you. everyone always says how adorable you are, and it's true. they don't make them much cuter or sweeter then you, little one. thank you for being ours, and for being our angel. we can't wait for another year of firsts with you.

happy birthday sweetheart!!

love,

mom and dad