broken...

that's what my heart did today. it broke. my little munchkin, my everything got his first big owie today. it was so big that he had to go to the instacare right away. and what broke my heart even more, is that i could've prevented it if i hadn't been preoccupied.

this afternoon i went over to my mom's to pack up the rest of our things at my mom's and when i got there, i turned on her fireplace (it's a gas one) because her basement was freezing today. i put Dylan down for his nap and started packing. the fire had been going for a couple hours when Dylan woke up, but i didn't think anything of it when i put him in the same room and turned on Aladdin for him in the living room and i continued to pack our kitchen stuff up in the kitchen. (it's connected to the living room). he was crawling all over the place and even came over and hung out by me for a little while, but then he went away and i assumed he went over to watch Aladdin and play with his toys that were on the carpet in front of the TV. i was up on a chair packing up our medicine cabinet and i remember looking over my shoulder and seeing him a little close to the fireplace, but not any closer then he had ever been, and he was preoccupied with a toy so i didn't think anything of it.

well, i don't remember much after that except all of a sudden i heard a sound i will never forget. i have never heard my son cry out in pain like i heard today. i immediately jumped off the chair without turning around and i ran over to him and he was right next to the fireplace, and he had touched the part of the fireplace where it is extremely hot. i grabbed him and i was immediately bawling. he was screeching, i was sobbing and i ran over to the sink and turned on cold water. i couldn't tell at first where he was burned, i thought he had put his mouth on it at first. but then i looked at his tiny little hand and i knew.  i put his hand under the water and it soothed it for a little bit, but then he was screaming again. i kept putting it under water and i called Brett. he couldn't even understand what i was saying i was crying so hard and Dylan was screaming, but i remember him saying that he thought i should take him to the instacare. i wasn't quite sure since i couldn't tell how bad the burn was. i couldn't see straight. he said he was coming home from work right then so i got off the phone with him and immediately called my sister, who is a nurse. she couldn't understand me either, at first she thought i said that Dylan had broken his hand, but once she heard me talking about a fire, she knew i said that he had burned it. i told her i saw a blister forming on his palm. she told me to take him to the instacare immediately. i made Dylan a bottle (which soothed him for a little bit, but not long), put him in his carseat and rushed over to the instacare. i was crying uncontrollably. i am surprised i made it there without getting in a wreck. once we got there my sister took Dylan so i could check him in. the person at the front desk asked me why Dylan was there, and i broke down and couldn't even talk. i felt so bad that i didn't even care what she thought, all i cared about was my son screaming down the hall. i finally got out why he was there and she tried her best to comfort me. it didn't work too well. Brett got there as i was getting done, and the minute i saw him i started crying again. he gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay. i felt numb.

they called us back really quickly, what a blessing! every other time i've been to the instacare, it has taken at least 20 minutes to go back. today, 30 seconds. we got back there and the nurse asked what happened, and i just burst again! i have never been like this before! my sister had to tell them what happened since i was a wreck. then the doctor came in and said that Dylan was lucky it was only the kind of burn it was. he said he had seen much worse (which didn't help, but i give the guy credit for trying) and he prescribed Dylan with Loritab and they wrapped his hand and gave him a dose of his new medicine. he was screaming the entire time. i do not remember a time in my life that i felt so sorry, so bad or so heartbroken. i remember thinking while i was standing there and the doctor was talking that getting hit by a car would feel better then the way i felt.

after the doctor got done bandaging him up, he told me the instructions to change his gauze and bandage and told us he wanted to see Dylan on Saturday morning to check on his hand to make sure it isn't infected. he told us that Dylan would probably be crying for the next couple of hours, even with the Loritab, and that he would be high-maintenance the rest of the night and probably all tomorrow as well. that news broke my heart even more, Dylan had only been crying for an hour and i was already ready to have a nervous break-down. hearing him crying in pain for the next day would kill me, knowing that each cry could've been prevented if i hadn't been so dumb.

we left the instacare, my sister graciously offered to run to the pharmacy to get Dylan's prescription and other things to change his bandage, and Brett and i went back to my mom's. Brett took the Jeep with Dylan, i took the car that Brett had driven. i sobbed and prayed the entire way home. how could i have been so stupid? why wasn't i thinking? i normally am overly careful about that stuff, always making sure Dylan is away from anything that could hurt him. always watching him to make sure he doesn't get into or near anything that might do something to him. today, i failed. i felt like the worst mom in the entire world, and i was begging Heavenly Father to forgive my stupidity and thoughtlessness. i also asked him to please take any pain away from Dylan. i told him i would do anything if he would do it for me. i told him i couldn't bear to hear my son screaming in pain anymore, that my heart literally felt like it was breaking into pieces.

i got home and Brett pulled up behind me. Dylan wasn't crying when i went to get him out of his car seat. he started moaning a little bit when we got him out, but then we went in the house and Brett sat him on his lap and Dylan just sat there, looking around and playing with the zipper on his jacket. Brett sat there and talked to him and rubbed his back and tickled his feet and Dylan just sat there staring at Brett then stared at me.

first of all, Dylan never does this. he hates to cuddle in the stage he's at. he only sits on your lap for maybe 10 seconds, and that's if your lucky. and second, just 5 minutes before he was screaming uncontrollably. i know the doctor gave him Loritab and that had a lot to do with it, but the doctor said that it wouldn't kick in for a while, about 45 minutes or so. well, it kicked in in about 10 minutes. he was acting a little out of it at first, but a half hour later, he was crawling around non-stop on his hand that the doctor said would cause him pain and make him cry, especially tonight and tomorrow, if he used it or touched it on anything. he was trying to pick up toys with it, trying to suck on the gauze on his hand and kept trying to figure out what was covering his fingers. he was back to normal, laughing, giggling, watched all of Toy Story while climbing all over Brett and playing with him. it was bizarre, and i was amazed. i still am. i keep forgetting that a nightmare occurred today, until i look at his little blue covered hand, then i remember and a pang of guilt runs through me. but i have said probably 12 silent prayers thanking heavenly father for answering my prayers so quickly. i think he knew my heart couldn't break anymore.

Dylan is asleep soundly now. today was the worst and most terrifying day of being a mom so far. i know that it could've been worse, but it was worse then anything he has been through, and it broke me. i have never felt pain like i did today. seeing my child so hurt and in so much pain and me not being able to do anything about it, almost killed me. i feel as though i got a little taste of what our heavenly father goes through when he sees us in pain. it was pure agony. and what is harder is i keep kicking myself for being so flipping dumb! knowing i could have prevented all of his pain just kills me inside. knowing my carelessness was the cause of him getting hurt makes my heart hurt. i know i need to forgive myself, but it will take time. i am just grateful that he is okay. my testimony has grown today, and so has my love for my son, even though i didn't feel it was possible. i love you Dylan, you are such a sweetheart and such a strong little guy! you are constantly teaching me to be better and more loving, by your example. get better soon little man! we love you!