once sacrament meeting was over, Dylan pulled his usual stint and only lasted not even halfway through Sunday school before he needed to be taken home for his nap. i usually don't get annoyed or irritated when he does this, it's a normal occurance. but i think the lingering effect of the Nyquil, plus the snow and me feeling like poop all mixed together is what brought it on. i found myself venting to Brett on the way home (we left church to let Dylan nap, and get me a nap as well) about how i dread coming to church with Dylan. i feel like it's pointless, i don't learn anything or hear anything besides the voice in my head repeatedly saying over and over "please stay quiet Dylan. watch Dylan and make sure he is quiet and behaving. Dylan, Dylan Dylan." i kept telling Brett how i missed the days when Dylan was so small he couldn't even lift his head up and he wouldn't make a peep during all of church except when he snored in his sleep. Brett just hugged me and told me i was tired and didn't feel good and that i needed to be thankful that our little guy is as good as he is, some kids don't even last as long as he does, and that it's only going to get more obnoxious the older he gets. that last part gave me great comfort and definitely helped my sour mood.
once we got home, i got in my jammies and Brett put Dylan down for his nap and i fell asleep and had a dream, that i think was inspired. i don't remember where i was except that i was in the sun, and that i was with my sister-in-law Heather. we were talking on a blanket and it was really bright, and i remember i was i was venting to her about the same things i had been venting to Brett about. i don't exactly know why i was talking to her about this, considering that she doesn't even have kids, she isn't even married yet (she is getting married next month) and she can't really relate to how i am feeling right now. but i remember after i got done venting, she told me to really indulge in what Dylan is doing right now. she told me to not get irritated by the little things he does, but to be grateful that he is here, healthy, playful and a happy baby. she told me not to take for granted what a great baby he is, and to not wish that things were different. she told me that someday, i was going to want all this back, and i was going to wish that Dylan was back at this age.
i remember her words hitting me like a ton of bricks. i expected her to feel bad for me or tell me that it was going to be okay, but instead she told me that i needed to cherish these times with my little baby, no matter how disruptive, noisy or whiney he gets. i remember in my dream i broke down in tears after she said that to me. it was exactly what i needed to hear. then i woke up.
i layed there and wondered if that was actually a dream or if it really occured. i kept thinking about what she had told me, and how right she was. i feel like i do a pretty good job of that, not taking my sweet little boy for granted or not getting mad when he gets fussy, but with my sickness it's been affecting not only my mood about situations that come up with Dylan, but also my happiness and has made me not focus on how blessed i really am to have that little boy jumping around on my lap during Sunday school, even if he is being noisy. i love that little boy to death and i wouldn't change my situation if i had to choose a million times over, and i need to remember that. just because he has to take a nap and gets fussy during church doesn't give me the right to get mad at him. he has a routine and is trying to stick to it, and i need to be grateful for that. i remember when he didn't have a routine sleep schedule and it was horrible, i never knew when he was going to want to sleep and it was hard to predict and know what he wanted. i need to be grateful for the little things that he does.
i need to take a lesson from Dylan and, even when i am sick, i can still be happy, because that's how he is. he is feeling terrible and he still lights up when i give him a toy or pick him up or play with him. he gets such a thrill out of it even though he feels like dirt. i need to put that type of perspective into my life. even if i am feeling like crap, or even if he isn't being quiet at church, i need to still be happy in knowing that he is mine and for the most part, one well-behaved little guy and he is amazing.
thank you Heather, even though it was a dream, your words totally changed my perspective on how i need to be looking at things no matter how i am feeling. your words also made me think of that song by Trace Adkins You're Gonna Miss This. it totally applies to how i felt today.
you are my angel. i love you more than anything. you have made me a better person in every way. i don't deserve such an amazing little guy. thank you for melting my heart with every smile and every hug and every little thing you do. you are truly heaven sent.
